Betwixt Hope & Hopelessness

And somewhere in-between…

Hope

noun

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.

Hope works like a class-A drug, fuelling feelings of euphoria: you are invincible and imposing upon this seemingly small planet. No task too big, no challenge unattainable.

Until the effects wear off.

Until the darkness descends.

Until you're left disappointed, a dead match between your fingers.

So close you could almost taste it… except that it wasn't.

So near it was close to a certainty… but in truth, the excitement eschewed perspective. A kaleidoscopic view through delusional eyes. Those sanguine sequins taunting from a pile at the bottom of the scope.

We then turn to…

Hopelessness

noun

1. a feeling or state of despair; lack of hope.

I'm sure we’ve all been there too, rifling in the remains, wondering where it all went wrong.

Hopelessness brings so much unwanted, unwarranted emotion… is it because we allowed ourselves to be open… susceptible… does it hurt more when we discover that we were the catalyst to our own demise?

We find ourselves numb. Apathetic. Lost to the belief that nothing will ever get better, that improvement is for other people. Not designed for you. For me. It's something to look at. From a distance. Hands in pockets too afraid to reach.

But what if there was something in-between? Something you still have an urge, a desire to obtain, something deep-rooted that you can’t switch off - something you’re afraid to mutter aloud in fear of malediction? Somewhere deep within where that hope still resides - something smaller, something more compact, a form of hope- lessness.

Now, I’m not talking about your standard hopelessness here - you know the type I’m thinking of, the type that would see Everton stay out of the relegation zone, the blind call for world peace. I’m talking about hiding crossed fingers in your pockets, caressing the surface of a polished wood table with your eyes shut tight as you whisper your wishes into the depths of the darkness.

As someone sickeningly positive, someone over—the—top hopeful, I have had to learn the hard way that sharing these hopes and dreams must be done through careful measures - by keeping my excitement controlled, suppressing the urge to share my enthusiasmsm.

I have learned the hard way that by hoping less, there isn't so much of a crash after binging on optimism. I've always been a ‘glass half full’ person, but these days, I'm just relieved that there is anything in there at all : a remnant of hope, a trickle of possibility.